Mind the Gap

Sometimes when friends are joking with me they'll say something like, "Oh geez, I just know you all too well, Hannah." I usually laugh along and say some muffled, affirming comment, like, "Yeah, you really do." But what I'm actually thinking is: "You don't know me that well."

Those friends who joke about knowing me "too well" have only known me in this iteration. They have only known me for a pencil mark on my transcontinental timeline - only under the very specific circumstance that I happened to be in when they met me. They don't know what I was like in the past or what I'm going to be like in the future.

They don't know me in a hat
They don't know me with a cat.
They don't know me on a train
Or what I'd walk like with a cane.

They don't know me to the deepest, basest level. Heck, I don't even know myself at that level.

And I think that's true of all people. People are complex. We can be intimate and tell secrets and get to recognize each other's voices and laughs and gaits. But there will always be a divide. There will always be a gap that, no matter how narrow, neither person can leap.

But maybe the idea of attempting that impossible leap is part of the joy in getting to know another person. Getting as close as possible to this gap makes me feel alive. It reminds me of the complexity and messiness that is within just one person - and how beautiful that chaos makes them. Once I start to understand this beauty in another person, I begin to understand it better in myself. And I start to understand myself in context.  I realize that the things I say or do actually affect other people (what a revelation!). When I make a decision, the consequence happens not only to me, but everyone around me - even the spheres where my life touches just barely. Life is messy, as my roommate would describe it. Some passing comment could make someone feel uncomfortable, or worse, unimportant. They might shrug off the feeling and give me the benefit of a doubt. But at the end of the day, they felt that way with me.

On the other hand, a passing comment could make somebody feel safe, comforted, warm, loved, appreciated, and important. I want to make sure people associate these types of feelings with being around me.

If only it weren't so incredibly hard. I can't help but get sloppy with the way I treat others. I forget. I am insensitive. I am selfish. I get really careless with the things I say and do. The descent into this lazy living is so slow that I hardly recognize it. But every time I look out and get a glimpse of that gap, I tidy up. I remember how it feels to be vulnerable and risky. And I again want to make sure people feel safe with me. I want them to feel that standing on opposite edges of the gap with me, face to face, attempting to take the impossible leap, is worth the risk.